Turmoil

- The Seasons Of Grief: Chapter V - Poem VII -

I woke up with fear and pacing anxiety,

Turned my back on rebellious propriety

This love was young, I thought I knew,

That I was worth it, that I was steadfast and true

Summer dreams and Autumn air,

Your fingers traced through my messy hair

This love was new, I swore I’d stay,

But the doubt would always pull me away

I know you now,

You hate when I bring my problems to the table

I want to be stable,

But I don’t know now

You get so drained from my issues with pain,

So, who do I confide in with vain?

I truly felt like this turmoil would last eternally,

It spun webs of lies in my head

You held me close and swore forever,

But my attachment was thinly spread

Your love for all, I cannot bear,

I get so scared when you see someone there

Do they have something I can’t give you?

Was the sex not good enough? Was my bravery not as true?

But I know you now,

We laughed together from afar

Discussions of when we’d be stars,

So I don’t know now

How I made this all up in my head,

The reassurance isn’t enough to break the lead

Do you think, like I do?

Would a singer be far better for you?

Every touch was wrapped in thought,

Every kiss was lined with the fragility that I sought

This is something I’ll deal with for my whole life,

The medication isn’t enough to cover my crimes

I’ve learned that forgiveness is hard to do,

It’s something that I have to choose

For you, forgiving me is hard to do,

It’s something that you have to choose

Even when you’ve done nothing wrong,

My mind turns your slights into punishments that last too long

Your honesty is sometimes cruelty,

My truancy is derived from fortuity

Do they have something I can’t give you?

Were the letters not deep enough? Did I not see us through?

So, I know you now,

Walked yourself home

I was scared that love would end alone,

But I don’t know now

I tried to change the story’s fate,

You came in and touched my face

Our love was quite young, and I feared the worst,

But you still saw my best, at first,

When you’re twenty-two, will you change your mind?

Will I be a stepping stone in your river of life?

I knew you’d miss me once I broke,

The weight of words I never spoke,

I knew I’d see you standing outside my door,

Will this love be a lesson we both ignored?

And I knew you’d come back to me,

But would you stay happily?

Does my heart still set yours free?

And when I felt like endless turmoil,

Spinning circles in my head,

You held me close and swore forever,

But my feelings were still consumed by fret

And if I could rewrite the past,

I’d carve a love that’s built to last,

I’d hold you tight with steady hands,

No trembling waters or shifting sands,

I wouldn’t flinch when you touch me close,

Wouldn’t drown in “almost” and “suppose,”

I’d let you in, I’d show you my reflection from afar,

Instead of loving you shard by shard,

I see it now—the way you stayed,

Through every tear, through every tapestry fray,

You never asked for perfect love,

Just one that dared to be enough,

You know of my anxiety and how it haunts my name,

I let it convince me that going to cry meant being ashamed,

I fought your warmth, I’ve lived in the cold,

You’re still here, trying to show me our love is gold,

Still, love is not a line that breaks,

Not something that time or pain remakes,

It lingers in a space so wide,

It’s free to form what’s always been inside,

And though I let my past dictate,

I won’t let my sorrow seal our fate,

I won’t let fear decide for me,

What love was always meant to be,

I’ve seen the movies, how it’s supposed to go our way,

It’s better than that though, I’ve learned to tell myself, “It’ll be okay,”

Know this: I’m contradictory in my words, but what I say isn’t what it was,

I’ve always been confident in our love; it’s the doubt of my abilities that’s the cause,