Veni Vidi Vici

- The Seasons Of Grief: Chapter II - Poem V -

If you’d have raised a hand, I’d have,

Folded back at the first strike

If you’d have spared your anger, you could’ve,

Let me live in a world of light

If I was a soldier, did my courage,

Threaten you under your command?

And if I was a boy did it matter,

How you crushed me where you stand?

All I ever did was fight,

Veni, Vidi, Vici,

You conquered my every night

I would’ve stayed down, in my trench,

To save my life I led a battle unarmed and weak,

And the God’s honest truth is that I fell to your fire,

Though my heart still beats

Now that I’m grown, I still feel the scars,

The past feels a lot like hell,

And now that I know, I wish you’d left me in the dark

If you’d never shaped me, I would’ve,

Stayed a ruler, not a pawn

If you’d never struck me, I could’ve,

Kept my innocence withdrawn

But you forged me from silence,

Built me from your careless rage,

Lord, you made me feel like mistake,

Then erased me from the page 

You’re the war I couldn’t flee,

Veni, Vidi, Vici,

You triumphed over me

I would’ve waved my white flag,

If you’d only shown me mercy, but instead,

You came, you saw, you claimed the boy,

Left the man for dead

Now that I’m old, I still fear your voice,

Your words still cuts like weapons,

And now that I know, I wish you’d left me in the noise

God rest my soul, I miss who I could’ve been,

The battlefield won’t clear, ruins linger in my mind,

I regret you all the time

I can’t let it go, I fight with you in my sleep,

The wound still bleeds, I keep on waiting for peace,

I regret us all the time

If victory is clarity, then why can’t I just heal?

Years of raising flags to you, my Achilles heel,

Living for the thrill of your stoic approval,

Give me back my childhood, it was mine to wield

And I would’ve stayed a dreamer,

But you made me a dealer, at thirteen,

And the God’s honest truth is, I burned in your fire,

Though my heart still bleeds

Now that I know, I fear the war,

Your shadow is my weapon,

And now that I’ve crowed, I wish you’d left me in the storm

If surrendering is clarity, why am I still broken?

Years I’ve spent saluting you, every word a spent token,

A pledge to the General who never saw my cries,

Give me back my childhood it was never yours to deny

God rest my soul, I miss who I could’ve been,

The battlefield won’t clear, dead bodies linger in my eyes,

I regret you all the time

I can’t let this go, I fight with you in my dreams,

The wound still bleeds, I keep on waiting for peace,

I regret you all the time

God rest my soul, I miss who I used to be,

The war won’t die, blood-stained cries in my mind,

I regret us all the time

I can’t let you go, I fight with you and always weep,

The wound still bleeds, I keep on waiting for peace,

I regret me all the time

God take my soul, I mourn who I used to be,

This endless war, the battles scream inside me,

I ache for what I’ll never find

I can’t let you go, I break in my darkest sleep,

The scar won’t close, the words cuts too deep,

I mourn all the time